When you're lying in bed and you hear a thud, do you assume it's a car door being shut outside, do you wonder if someone's broken into your house.. or like me is your first thought, that your reflection has crawled out of the bathroom mirror and fell out onto the floor.

I lie there, afraid to move... I wonder any second will I hear the handle on the door turn and door slowly creak open. Or will it be over in seconds, as I stare at the wall, frozen in fear, I see a face rise up from under the bed... but it's not really there.

Yes the dark can play tricks on your mind, but my mind races into a league of it's own.. conjuring up the most darkest of thoughts, fueled by the horror films of my past.

I try to think of something nice, kids tv shows.. gotta do the trick.. but staring into the dark, with every blink I see horrific images.. as I type now and blink I can see a young child, girl.. pale complexion and eyes as black as night.

Driving home at night, I catch a glimpse of something in my mirror, something in the back seat - I look but there's nothing there.. constantly toying with me.. what is it? As I drive, I see a figure hung up on a post.. .or is it just a coat.. I get closer, no it's just a sign. The parked cars, dark and quiet.. just waiting for their moment to spring into life. Another figure.. no, just a bush.

At home I sit on my computer, anxious.. alert, every unexpected noise makes me jump in terror.. any moment now someone will come down the stairs, any moment.... and in any moment I might die. But it's not real, it's all in my mind - but telling myself this is not enough.

The monkey, the first time I saw the monkey was from the top of the stairs, investigating a noise. It charged up the stairs and latched onto my stomach, I told myself the pain is not real.. it's signals to my pain, no need to panic.. but I can't take it, I run out, naked, into the street.. curl up and cry for help. But i'm ok, I'm lying in my bed, awake.. staring at the wall.


anyone else have a problem like this? it's almost like a bad trip but without the drugs.. yet still having a grasp of reality - but it's never enough to stop the dark thoughts.

edit.
I've tried to bottle it up inside - The thought of being alone with it wells me up with tears..