[WoW] New 50-man raid! (NORLY!)

This was kinda cute. Original link .

Full post for Eteocles and his gimp firewall rules:

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Van Cleef Encounter - Boss of Heroic Deadmines (50man Raid Instance)

In heroic mode, Mr. Smite is not found in his usual place, but instead at the top of the ship. The encounter starts off easy, but quickly ramps up in difficulty. Mr. Smite retains his abilities from Normal Mode (AoE stun and features such as real time...weapon change)

After a basic tank and spank, Mr. Smite is vanquished. The door to Van Cleef's Cabin opens and Van Cleef appears, shouting "Too soon! Executus!". Van Cleef has a heal that must be interrupted and will periodicaly Slice'n'Dice when the tank will need heavy heals. He will also stack wound poison on the tanks, so a rotation will be needed (He is not immune to taunt).

At 50% Van Cleef will sleep the raid and shout - "Arise! My champion!" and ressurect Mr. Smite. He will respond "At your side! M'laddy!" in a scottish accent. This is where the real encounter begins.

Phase 1 - Van Cleef and Smite
-Smite retains his abilities from before, as does Van Cleef. It should be noted Van Cleef cannot be killed at this time so the raid should ignore him and simply off-tank him. If he reaches 1% he will shout "It is not yet my time...you wouldn't refuse an old man a refreshing drink would you?" at which point he will Bubblehearth back into the cabin and have a short teaparty - re-emerging at 100%. However, the water around the boat (Which is normally filled with highly damaging fish) will boil for his tea, killing the fish and replacing it with a much more manageable damage debuff for those in the water. Some raids prefer to "kill" Van Cleef once as the water must be used in later parts of the fight.

Mr. Smite will call out "You <class> are tougher than I thought! YOU will have to improvise!" this is known as Mr. Smite's Class Call. And it differs for each class. This occurs approximately every 20-40 seconds.

-Warriors gain a debuff which swaps the values of their Strength and Stamina with their Intelligence and Spirit. For this you will need two secondary tanks stacking int and spirit, to take over during class calls.

-Paladins will all be teleported into a giant bubble. This bubble cannot be penetrated by anybody i.e paladins may not leave and no other players may aid the paladins inside. At the center of the bubble spawns a giant hearthstone. The paladins must use their paladin DPS powers to DPS the hearthstone down quickly to shatter the bubble, otherwise they are teleported outside the instance.

-Hunters get stuck in Aspect of the Pack, causing daze and alot of raid members to b---- and moan and not invite them to subsequent raids because their DPS is poor and they cause problems. A very powerful ability.

-Rogues will gain a "You are being watched..." debuff which will tick on and off throughout the Phase. If they do not stop DPS they bill be afflicted by "Gank". A mirror image of themself will shadowstep behind them, and "Gank" the rogue. This takes the form of an anime collage type attack, featuring the spirits of all lowbies killed by stealthing rogues whilst they were busy fighting. A potent ability which can potentially take a Rogue from 100% to 0%. THe best defence against this is to either stop DPS when you are being watched, or to Vanish right after, to prevent being ganked.

-Druids will be marked by a Hunter's mark and given a "No Druid's Land" debuff. Shortly after they are all teleported to the back of the raid after being told "You are not where you're supposed to be..." then they get turned into trees which cannot move but receive a bonus to their healing abilities. Paladins and Warriors will need to step in for Druid tanks afflicted by this until it wears off. Boomkins don't need to worry since they won't be invited to Heroic VC anyway. If any are, Mr. Smite feels sorry for the raid and leaves them alone, since they're probably out of mana by now.

-Priests will be teleported above a lightwell. They must quickly levitate or risk falling damage. They must then guide a "Lassie" through a maze to other members of the raid. "Whats that boy? Our priests fell down a lightwell?". After a raid member right-clicks the dog, the priests are restored to their regular positions.

-Warlocks succumb to the demonic energies of the nether. A demonic pet chosen at random will Mind Control the Warlock and cackle with glee as it turns it's former master against the raid. It is recommended to polymorph the Warlock before he wipes the raid with his overpowered Deathcoil. After a time limit has passed or if raid members destroy the demon, the Warlock is freed.

-Mage. During a Mage class call, it is exactly the same as the Warlock class call. Except Mr. Smite whispers DPS Meters to the mages in the raid, which may or may not be correct and often show Warlocks beating them in the meters. This is all that happens, but other results could vary.

-Shaman will have all their spell schools disabled and only be given access to totems. In a little mini-game, they must tend to a garden of totems and give it lots of tender love and care. As the totems grow up and move out of home, they will regain access to the related spell schools (Fire for Fire Totem etc) this requires the Shaman to go through a complex maze of mini-games reminiscient of The Sims 2 and Harvest Moon.

WHe Mr. Smite is killed, Van Cleef will "enrage" and charge up a 10 second cast Mortal Strike. The targetted tank will need to take a great many precautions to mitigate the incoming damage. Shield Wall is recommended. After this Mortal Strike, he takes Mr. Smites body and retreats into his cabin and will cry out "You face not myself alone! But the legions I command!" thus beginning Phase 2.

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Phase 2: A
The FOur Defias Shadowstalkers will spawn. They are similar to the Tiger Boss of ZG in that if all four of them are not killed within seconds of eachother, they revive eachother to full health.

Shadowstalker Ackbar: Will lay random traps around the ship, which are similar to the Hunter versions. Freezing Trap must be cleansed quickly if a Healer steps on one.

Shadowstalker Moro: Will periodically vanish and garrote someone. He is also filled with caramel and nougat which is difficult to resist.

Shadowstalker Ecco: Ecco was blessed with powers by the Asterite. He has an unending breath buff which can be spellstolen. He will also use a Sonar Wave which damages all those in front of him. Tanks need to turn him away from the raid. Be careful not to let any fish near him or he will regenerate health.

Shadowstalker Rick: Will spam your channels and vent servers constantly with Reeses Puff Cereal advertisements, making communication very difficult or forcing players to use TeamSpeak.

Once they are all dead, the main Shadowstalker, Rick will res himself - showing his true form.

Phase 2: B

Shadowstalker Rick Astley isn't much tougher than his previous contemporaries. However he's no stranger to love and he knows the rules too. He is fully committed to this fight, something you won't get from any other boss. He will also periodically blind a random raid member, telling them that they're too blind to see. He will never give you up, and, as such, is untauntable. He will never let you down him, Shield Walling at 20%. He cannot be kited around and you cannot reset him by deserting the area.

Phase 3

When Rick is defeated, Van Cleef will compose himself and can now be seen watching from the roof of the cabin. He will call out "And now...ON WITH THE SHOW". He will summon in Kre and Anir and begin to cast a complex ritual within the cabin.

Just like in Phase 2, Kre and Anir must be killed within seconds of eachother or they will revive the other. Both also have access to "Eternal Affection" which will heal the other for a LARGE amount of health, so must be interrupted.

Kre: Kre will also periodically sunder the tanks armour and seduce the closest target second on her threat table. Make it known to the raid group to never turn your back to Kre. She alsp has Backward Lunge, Forward Lunge and a number of other "Lunges" otherwise thought impossible.

Anir: Anir is not very difficult, however he has an odd mechanic about him. Only his main target is exempt from this behaviour. At any one time within a small bracket of time, Anir can only be affected by no more than 7 debuffs or take damage from 7 sources. DPS is limited on Anir for this reason. If his "damage timer" has not reset, the next person to launch a hostile spell will receive feedback damage. The feedback damage stacks so that the 3rd or 4th person to ignore his rules will probably be killed in one hit.

Phase 4
Once Anir and Kre go down. Players will be faced with the final stage. Van Cleef will re-emerge, having successfully ressurected Mr. Smite in his ultimate form: Ragnasmite.

Ragnasmite bursts from the bowels of the ship. He hits fairly hard and has a number of frost and fire spells which will periodically target random raid members not in melee. If nobody is in melee range of him he will start charging his lazer. It is not recommended to be shoop'd da whoop'd so the tank must get inside his melee range quickly.

Every minute or so, Ragnasmite will take in a deep breath. It is recommended that the raid jump into the water to avoid this as it has commonly be known to hit for over 9000 fire damage. A tank with stacked FR may be able to resist it. He has a slightly different mechanic for damage in that he must be 'frozen'. As he is damaged he begins to attack less and less frequently, until he freezes. Then the raid must deal as much damage to him as possible before he unfreezes and becomes invincible again. Once he is finally shattered he turns to ash and cries out the name of the person who struck the final blow. "<Name>, The Ashbringer..."

Phase 5
Van Cleef returns to the fray once more. Final Van Cleef has a large aura which negates the effects of all non-epic items. The amount of damage that a player does to or receives from the Final Phase Van Cleef is reduced by a percentage for every faction available to them that they are not exalted with. This can greatly increase the difficulty of the fight especially if your raiders are still Hated by the Bloodsail Buccaneers. The main tanks MUST be exalted with every faction available to them, including both the Gelkis and Magram and the Scryer and Aldor. Though it is possible to sc%!%* through with a few Revereds.

When he is finally downed he utters a deafening roar of "This is not over. I'll see you next week..."

Loot
When Van Cleef's Final Form is downed 5 seperate chests spawn in with the drops. However they require a number of keys from throughout the game. The keys required are random and range from the Scarlet Key to Outlands Heroic Keys to the Onyxia Pendant.

Good luck with your Heroic VC Raids!

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And if that wasn't enough for a laugh: MTV Cribs! Featuring Thrall

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Full post for Eteocles and his gimp firewall rules:

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I came, I saw, I lol'd

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Boomkins don't need to worry since they won't be invited to Heroic VC anyway. If any are, Mr. Smite feels sorry for the raid and leaves them alone, since they're probably out of mana by now.

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I lol'd harder

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Van Cleef will re-emerge, having successfully ressurected Mr. Smite in his ultimate form: Ragnasmite.
If nobody is in melee range of him he will start charging his lazer. It is not recommended to be shoop'd da whoop'd
it has commonly be known to hit for over 9000 fire damage

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I lol'd hardest; First thought in my mind after that first line: "A flaming cow? ...flamebroiled steak burger lolz"

They forgot to end with a belair, though and didn't include Cookie in some way shape or form, so...8/10